Saturday, July 28, 2007

Home again

For AL, because you asked.

I came home yesterday from Washington.

What a heady experience this whole summer was.

I ran the emotional gamut, from completely miserable to so happy, and everything in between. This summer was totally not what I expected at all, in many, many ways. My internship didn't end up the way I thought it would, the program I was on was completely different than my initial perception, and I learned a lot about myself, about what I can tolerate, and how I react to situations that are not ideal or that are challenging. I'm a little ashamed to say that I was very quick to call a day "bad" if it didn't go exactly as I wanted it to. I judged people very quickly, usually jumping to the wrong conclusion. I didn't think things through, and did a lot of complaining.

I think that there were times when I was justified for feeling the way I did, as expressed in my previous posts. But at the same time, now that I look back on myself and my behavior, I am sorry that I did not behave in a more adult way: often, I turned into a whiny, petulant child who expected everyone to deliver on a silver platter exactly what she wanted. Instead of dealing with situations with a smile or trying to see the bigger picture, I saw myself as the only person who could possibly be right and so my way of doing things had to be done. And of course, that wasn't possible most of the time. In fact, it wasn't possible for nearly any of the time. At some point, I had to grow up and take stock of the situation, and realize something very important about being one in a crowd - other people aren't going to change for you, and you're not necessarily going to change them. The only thing you can do is say to yourself, "Look, I am me and they are them - I have to accept that. Now I have a choice: I can live unhappily and grouse all the time about how difficult it is for me. Or I can look past what makes us different and find common ground and take it from there, and smile and try to see how this situation, even though it's hard, will be good for me in the long run."

Unfortunately, I chose the former. I wish I had chosen the latter more often, but this is all part of the learning experience and maturing and handling myself properly as a frum Jew. I'd like to think that I will choose more properly and wisely in the future (not that I want to be a place of tremendous nisayon again, please G-d, at least not without a good religious support system).

So am I happy that I did this internship and this program? Well, yes. I don't want to whitewash the experience, because I want to remember it clearly, both good and bad, but in the end, I left on a happy note. I want to remember how I felt during the course of the internship, because I think that it's part of the growth process to remember where I came from, even if I'm a little embarrassed of some of it (i.e. how strongly I reacted to a situation when if I had just taken the time to relax a little I wouldn't have been so upset. But then again, by reacting strongly, people saw that I took certain things seriously. Not that they always cared to take them as seriously as I did. But whatever.).

To all the people out there whose phone lines I cried into or whose email inboxes I poured my worries into, thank you, thank you so much. You were an immeasurably valuable support system to me and I appreciate it so much.

And for the people in Washington who helped me . . . thank you. I don't know if I can really put into words what it meant to me when you sat and listened and encouraged and critiqued and advised, but thank you, from my heart.

***
Glinda:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow
If we let them, and we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you - I have been changed for good

Elphaba:
It well may be that we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Glinda:
Because I knew you

Both:
I have been changed for good

Elphaba:
And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

Glinda:
But then, I guess we know there's blame to share

Both:
And none of it seems to matter anymore
...

Both:
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better

Glinda:
And because I knew you...

Elphaba:
Because I knew you...

Both:
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good . . .

--"For Good," Wicked, composed by Stephen Schwartz

Sunday, July 15, 2007

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being mocked.

I'm tired of not being accommodated.

I'm tired of people making fun of my ideals, my lifestyle, and my standards.

I'm tired of people knocking my hashkafos.

I'm tired of people not recognizing my needs.

I'm tired of people ignoring halacha.

I'm tired of it all.

So thanks for a great summer, guys. I really learned a lot.

Have a nice life.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Here I am

Wow, I haven't posted in a while.

Don't worry, I'll be back soon. I've got some ideas percolating in my head, so as soon as I work out my thoughts, I'll be posting.

Stay tuned!

P.S. In regards to my previous post . . . everything is well now, baruch Hashem. I just needed some time and someone to talk to. But it's all good now.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Lightbulb!

I had an epiphany recently.

It wasn't a happy epiphany, but it was a good epiphany.

It means that I won't be doing too much emotional damage to myself anymore.

Yay!

Now I just have to undo all that I did.

::sigh::

I need a hug.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

8 things meme

Chana tagged me with this meme. I have to list 8 things about myself, and then tag 8 people with this meme. Here goes nothin' . . .

1. I have always wanted to be a figure skater. In fact, in seventh grade I begged and pleaded with my parents to let me take ice skating lessons, which they allowed me to do. My technique was good, but I was afraid to go fast, so I didn't progress very much. When I went to see Toy Story On Ice, I had this secret desire that they would ask for an audience member to skate instead of one of the principal cast members, and that they would ask me to do it. Didn't happen.

2. Starbucks Frappuchino drinks always give me stomachache, but I drink them anyway.

3. My pet peeve is people who chew with their mouths open.

4. I danced en pointe in ballet for 5 years and did some pas de deux (partnering) for one year. It was an exhilarating experience.

5. I really like gummy candy. This includes, but is not limited to: gummy worms, gummy bears, gummy worms with that white marshmallow thing, marshmallows, puffy monsters (those pink and blue candies shaped like penguins), and these strawberry and peach heart-shaped candies that I found in Israel and have not seen anywhere else. However, I do not like sour gummy foods, like sour bears.

6. In third grade, I was elected mayor of my class. I don't remember actually doing anything in the capacity of mayor, but I beat out two of the most popular girls in the class to win the election.

7. I have a favorite pillow that I've slept with since I was a toddler.

8. I haaaaaaate heights. I hate cable car rides, huge staircases, living on a high floor, rooftops (unless there is a big wall around it), elevator rides that take more than a minute, balconies with bad railings, looking out of the window in an airplane, and just about any amusement park ride. I am petrified to do any of these things.

I think all the people whose blogs I read regularly have been tagged for this, so I tag my commenters Rebecca, Jackie and Chaya to do this in the comments section. Plus anyone else who wants to.