Sunday, October 7, 2007

515

I reached 515 views of my profile today! Yay me! (And this was without obsessively checking it like ten times a day.)

Kinda funny, though, that people are still looking at my profile, considering how little time I have spent taking care of this blog lately. Truth is, I have been composing a bunch of posts in my head for a while now . . . but none of them seem to be "good" enough to post. None of them are interesting enough, or thought-provoking except maybe to me.

What happened to my blog energy?

This summer gave me some great introspective fodder for posts. Of course, I wasn't exactly having the time of my life. So does that mean that for me to post something on this blog I need to be sad and miserable and thinking sad and miserable thoughts? I don't really think so. I think that what galvanized me into posting about such strong feelings was precisely their strength and intensity. My feelings were fairly extreme and so it was pretty easy for me to compose soliloquies on them.

And it's not like I haven't had any strong feelings or deep thoughts lately. I wanted to post about my thoughts during neilah on Yom Kippur. I wanted to post about my grandmother. I wanted to post on kollel. I wanted to post on making my first shiva call.

But as I started writing all these posts, the strong feelings that I'd had about these topics died away. They didn't seem so interesting to me anymore. They lost their intensity. Now I just have drafts and drafts piling up of half-written, unfinished thoughts that just seem . . . blah.

I think that some of this is a fear that's been creeping up on me about not wanting to put my private thoughts out there so much anymore. Usually doing that doesn't bother me. I will share my feelings with just about anyone, whether I know them or not. But somehow I'm encountering a sort of writer's block that prevents me from really writing what I want to. Maybe because I'm not really anonymous ... ? I know that (all?) the people who comment on this blog know who I am, and I know who they are. Maybe that takes away a bit of the excitement that I had when I thought I was anonymous, or at least semi-anonymous, and there was this little game that I was playing with people by putting myself out there and them not really knowing who they were reading about.

Or maybe it's just my horrendous ability to actually keep a journal manifesting itself in a different way.

I don't know.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

There are still anonymi who read your blog...even if they don't always comment. You need not despair. But then again, sometimes writing just doesn't do it, so go with whatever you feel.

Erachet said...

I totally hear you on this one, Apple. I've been going through somewhat of the same thing with my own blog. I used to update really, really often. Now, I'm lucky if I update once a week. It's not that I don't have what to write about. It's just that sometimes there's either too much, or I just don't find the right energy for putting it into words - kind of like what you said. And I've always been horrendous at keeping a journal.

But, anyway, don't feel like all your posts have to be majorly deep or insightful in order for them to be "good enough" to post. It's your blog, your journal. Update however you like! Heck, I've taken to writing about fish. :D So really, there's no such thing as something not being good enough for your own blog!

Scraps said...

I'm not as anonymous as I used to be, either. In some ways, I do self-censor more, which isn't fun. And it makes for a lot of things that would be totally bloggable if only half my readership didn't know me (or if I wasn't scared of even more people figuring me out). But I still wish you weren't so nervous to post, I like your posts.... :-/

(Btw, erachet, I still don't know you, so you still have at least one reader who doesn't know who you are!)

Ezzie said...

Post them anyway. Not every post need be a deep insight into the inner workings of the world... and sometimes, those 'blah' posts turn out to be the best or most important - because they are that 'normal' stage.

jackie said...

I can SO relate to the difficulty of restraining an active mind my commiting its thoughts to writing.

Why do you think that I comment on blogs but never get one myself? I wouldn't want to disappoint myself by creating a blog that quickly goes unused.

Yeshiva Bachur said...

I don't blog so I can't really say that I know this feeling of wanting to write things down only to find out that its not something you want to actually let the world know about it. I can though tell you that sometimes when sitting in seder or shiur and a great answer/question/explanation pops into my head, I will sometimes hesitate to say it, unsure how correct or cohesive it is.
And the infrequency of your blogs is useful to those that read them. Some people have these long drawn out blogs and they post them every day. It can be hard to actually keep up with them. So maybe you should post a little more often but please not every day, I may not have time to read them.