Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Thoughts on this semester, and a prayer

What follows is a highly personal post.  I have published it because I need to get this stuff out of my system and into actual words to alleviate some of the stress I'm feeling right now.

I'm exhausted, but cannot fall asleep. I have too much on my mind.

This semester has not been my best.

Between outside stresses, a highly charged living situation, and a somewhat lazy constitution, I am not achieving the way I'd like to be this semester. Unlike previous semesters, when I focused more on my studies, I find that I am increasingly distracted and less motivated. Oh, I do my schoolwork, and I study for my quizzes and tests, but always at the last minute. I have this weird notion that things are going to magically get done and figure themselves out on their own, without me having to do anything, which of course is delusional, as nothing will get done unless I actually do it.

I know that a few of the reasons why I am not working the same way I used to are in my control, but there are quite a few factors that are outside of it. I find that I worry more about the things that are out of my control though and ignore that which is in my capacity to change. This of course is counter-productive, as I end up wasting time thinking and worrying about that which I cannot change rather than working on modifying my study methods and the way I spend my time so that my schoolwork will get done earlier and more efficiently.

I just need to snap out of this worrying cycle and concentrate on the things that I have to do.

Hashem, Hashem, I need You to give me the presence of mind and the self-control to do what is most pressing, and to use my time well, so that at the end of the day I'm not upset that I wasn't productive.  Please help me to relinquish my need to worry about things that are not in my control, and to realize that even though the waiting is hard, and that sometimes difficult things happen to me, I have it within my power to change my mindset and to approach things healthfully.  Please help me have the courage to use my resources effectively so that I can properly use my energy to serve You.  Sometimes it's hard for me to do things even though I know they need to be done.  You have put role models and mentors in my path to guide me.  Please let me be open to their mussar and their guidance so that I can best achieve my goals.  Please . . . I need You.  I feel Your presence, and I know that it's there . . . just please let me understand the hints You are giving me and utilize them effectively.  Please help me make the right, Torahdik decisions.  Please let me make my family and those around me proud and happy.  I know you gave me the capacity to do all these things - I am trying so hard.  I really am.

10 comments:

Erachet said...

This is a commentoid. :)

I love this post. I think it expresses such true emotions and ones that I feel very often. I especially relate to this feeling of things that will magically get done. It's like, "I'm Erachet, of course everything will work out!"

Hang in there! And I'm always available for cookies (if I have them) :D

jackie said...

I've had this type of thing happen to me ALL the time. In my experience, the best way to fall out of the cycle of immobility is to set yourself one goal--just one--and do it and make sure to do a really good job. Frequently, the pride of one good job is enough to prompt the system to be more conscientious in the future. It's enough to tip the scales and shift your perspective; instead of seeing yourself as someone trying to fight off the immibility, you begin to see yourself as someone you're happy with. And when you're happy with yourself, you tend to accomplish a whole lot more.

Ezzie said...

[softly] amen.

I like what Jackie said.

Scraps said...

Amein.

I find myself saying similar tefillot on a fairly regular basis. I hope He answers all of us who need His help in this area l'tovah...

And I also really like what Jackie said.

Madd Hatter said...

I also like what jackie said, and I love the post, especially the prayer. It encapsulates a lot of what I want to pray for every day. Can I use it?

the apple said...

Thank you so much everybody. Jackie, thanks for your wisdom as usual. Madd Hatter, you may certainly use this tefila :).

corner point said...

You brave, gorgeous girl...

He answers. I promise...

halfshared said...

What a heartfelt prayer. From your mouth, to G-ds Ears.

the apple said...

CP - thanks for the encouragement . . .

Halfshared - Amen.

Rebecca said...

I say the same prayer every day. In one word, I call it "focus." Focus on yourself, focus on your interaction with others, focus on your schoolwork, and most of all focus on bringing it all back to Hashem. Hatzlacha.