Friday, December 28, 2007


My brain feels overloaded.

Too much thinking and second-guessing and doubting going on up there.

I discovered something about myself over the past few months -- well, maybe discover isn't the right word, more like articulated -- I am a person who likes it when things under her are solid. I don't like the unknown phase, the up-in-the-air time, being in limbo. I like to have closure and finality. Waiting around for something to materialize is not something I enjoy. I am not patient enough to always let time do its work. Heck, I'm not patient enough to let other people always proceed at their own pace. I need to go according to my own speed, but I want everyone else to be moving along at the same rate, which is of course not so fair to ask of others, because people have different personalities and needs and operate differently.

But I don't *want* to wait. I don't *want* to have to let time swirl around me and let myself drift slowly in its wake. I want to be the one in control, the one determinedly pushing through things and being in total control of the situation.

Gah. My wiring is bothering me. I wish I was built differently. I wish I was one of those people who relaxes easily, who relinquishes easily when they know that they can't do anything to affect what's happening around them -- not giving up, but being realistic and not letting the helplessness of waiting overwhelm them.

Am I being too hard on myself? It's possible. I see all my faults very clearly (even though it may not seem like I do -- mostly it's just that I wish I didn't have them and so choose to ignore them). But I need to relax and just let myself go with the flow. To just breathe and let go of the reins that I'm clutching so hard, my knuckles are turning white and my hands are hurting. Not to mention that I have finals coming up, and if I don't give them the attention they deserve, I'm probably not going to be so happy with the results.

Well, I think that's quite enough self-indulgent angst for one post. I'm gonna go eat some cookies now.

"Patience is not passive; on the contrary, it is active; it is concentrated strength."
--Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton


Erachet said...

Come to my room sometime. I will give you cookies.

(btw, I was planning on writing that before I reached the end of your post where you said you were gonna have some cookies. ESP!)

Diana said...

I will meet you in Erachet's room for cookies.

codebreaker said...

while it's very human to want to be in control and dislike change, realize, in between tensing and stressing, that the whole point of Hashem is always in control...and yes hishtadlut, and yes intangibly so, but isn't that what bitachon is ultimately all about? believing that He'll make everything turn out okay might not relieve the immediate pressure, but thinking about it for a while just might help a bit...

Madd Hatter said...

hmm...I'm debating whether it's worth the train ride. What kind of cookies?

corner point said...

Too much thinking and second-guessing and doubting going on up there.
So...when am I gonna see you? Talking online is not much fun when you can talk in person...

Tell me when you're semi-free
We'll shmooze

the apple said...

Erachet - thanks ;).

Diana - LOL. You always manage to crack me up.

Codebreaker - true. It's all part of the nisayon.

Madd Hatter - Stella D'oro and also Hershey's and Reese's cookies!!

Corner Point - let's ;). The semester's almost over ... it's getting there ...