Sunday, October 12, 2008

Canvas

The script is ending, and I have no idea what comes afterward. I smile, and I wave, but inside I'm so knotty that my hand shakes. The picture in my head has dissolved, and now -- nothing. I can't see myself anywhere, doing anything, with anyone. Blank. And, and it's not even just school, or a career, but life . . . oh G-d, what am I going to do? It's so easy to pretend, to tell yourself and others that it'll all work out, oh yeah, I've got lots of options, I'm considering this that and the other thing, but when nothing's prepared and nothing is clear and nothing even stands out, all of that pretension looks foolish and weak, and babyish, and just makes me want to cry. Now I understand what you meant all those months ago. It's fun, isn't it, being in college and pretending to be adult and independent, when really you have no idea what it is to fend completely for yourself? But then reality bites, and hard. Oh, not that you don't have the tools to be all those things, but do you know how to? And I can't ever really find out until I make a decision about what it is that is going to teach me how to be all those things, can I? I feel frozen in a catch-22, and having to write another verse is looming ominously over me and gets darker and darker the more that I look. But I can't tear my eyes away, because that would just be feeding the fear and the anxiety even more . . . oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh, what am I going to do?

5 comments:

YB said...

I know what you are feeling. We have this perfect world in school, place to live, people to talk to, food to eat, free transportation, private transportation, and a Jewish atmosphere. Then you are thrown into the world beyond, where you have to remember not everything is Kosher, transportation isn't free, you have to take public transportation, crammed on a train at 7:30 in the morning with hundreds of people you don't know, there is no more Sukkos and Pesach break, and most of all the bubble of the Jewish world around you is suddenly popped.
Oy vey.

jackie said...

Wow. You are me, twelve months ago.

The good news is, this too shall pass. Before too long, you'll be somewhere (wherever that is) and you can look back on today's safek.

But for now, yeah, I can validate your feeling that...it just stinks.

Ein simcha eleh k'hataras (sp?) hasfekos.

G said...

not that you don't have the tools to be all those things, but do you know how to? And I can't ever really find out until I make a decision about what it is that is going to teach me how to be all those things, can I?

Sooooooo, what? You're thinkin' of joining the Army?

Relax...deep breaths...watch your favorite movie...re-assess

Erachet said...

All too familiar...

SJ said...

No kidding!