Monday, November 24, 2008

Things to be grateful for...

...when you have an ear infection, are coughing up phlegm, your voice is dropped an octave because you're congested and your nose is stuffed:

1. Health insurance.

2. Parents who have good jobs so you have health insurance.

3. Kleenex pocket packs that look like candy!

4. Duane Reade on nearly every corner in Manhattan.

5. Puffs tissues with lotion.

6. A nice roommate who lends you her big purple pillow so you can sleep sitting up.

7. Not being allergic to medication.

8. A nice apartment-mate's white kumkum.

9. Living around the block from the school buildings.

10. A second nice apartment-mate who gives you tea and honey for sniffly times.

Friday, November 21, 2008

follow-up (or, slightly selfish post)

It feels selfish that not being in the loop of a friend's engagement should make me feel so...um...crappy. But you know what? It does. It's thoughtless when no one calls to tell you, and you find out from OnlySimchas instead, or when someone thinks to mention it hours later. Getting multiple phone calls about an engagement is not bad. It is not annoying. It is NICE. Because it shows that people thought you were important enough to the kallah that she would want you to know about her simcha, and not just in a passing mention. Do I care when people from high school don't tell me about their engagements? Nah. For the most part, I feel totally disconnected from my classmates and so, yeah, I'm happy for them when they get engaged, but I don't feel left out if I don't hear from them directly.

But current friends? Or friends I've known since I was little? Yeah. It hurts. A lot. And guess what? When they ignore me during engagement, when they ask me if I know someone who does hair and makeup in Lakewood (why the heck would I know that? You know I don't know that! Why are you asking? Did you forget who you were talking to -- I'm the friend with zero connections, remember?), then it doesn't exactly inspire me to feel a need to keep up a connection.

Maybe I sound obnoxious, but too bad. Friendship is often about reciprocity, and if you're not giving me anything more than cursory glances, I start to lose the motivation to respond in kind.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Monday, November 17, 2008

free thinking, or what is on my mind at 3:40 a.m.

ugh, why can't i sleep? it's 3:36 in the morning and i know i'm going to be so tired tomorrow, and then people will say, "oh, you look so TIRED!" grr. i don't like when people do that.

also, i'm thinking about debt, and how to avoid it. also how to avoid having a job that makes me wake up super early :(. i love sleeping til nine. then again, it would be good just to get a job and frankly i'm getting really nervous about that. can't do grad school (at least for the fall). i still need two letters of recommendation -- who am i gonna ask? this post is totally rambling, which probably indicates that i should get some sleep. also, i wish that i wouldn't have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, hate that. sorry, was that oversharing? i really should get some sleep. why's there so much drama this year? it's fun not to really be a part of it. it's good to get out of things while you still can. and i wish people would send in their articles. and i sort of really hate the -- -- -- for being totally babyish on me and not giving me the info i need. totally lame. lame, lame, lame. omg what am i going to do next year? teach? haha. who would even hire me. work as a journalist? no experience. and who is even hiring. i feel like no one is. time warner just laid off six hundred people, that's six hundred people who no longer have a job, poof. what makes some people keep their jobs and other people lose theirs?

okay i MUST SLEEP NOW

Monday, November 3, 2008

Over a year

It's been over a year since the car bucked its course and swerved across three lanes of the Garden State Parkway, bumping and crashing into a tree near the side of the road. It's been over a year since six girls on the way to a wedding crawled out of a car trapped by brambles and branches to meet the whizzing traffic of a dark, dark night.

It's been over a year, but every time I think about that night my heart quickens its pace and my breath comes faster . . . that night when we brushed shoulders with death, like gently skimming against someone at a party, because the crowd is so full and twinkly and happy, but this wasn't a party and it wasn't happy and it wasn't safe.

It's been over a year, and three of the girls from the car are now married, the one who was pregnant when we veered off the road had her baby, and the driver is almost done with graduate school. So why am I the one who still remembers and trembles?

My eyes still become filmy with tears when I think about what could have happened and what didn't happen and what did happen. Stupid tears, almost, because by now I should be able to forget, at least a little, and learn to drive, so my fear of the road won't swallow me whole. But I can't forget, at all, even a little bit, and it paralyzes me, and I know it.

I must get past this, and learn to drive, but whenever I'm in a car all I can think about is how some car will come out of nowhere and BAM! right into me and then bang and crash and the roadway is a mess and the news anchor is murmuring, G-d forbid, Hashem yishmor. Because I can't trust anyone to be safe. I can't trust anyone to drive defensively or not to tailgate or not go eighty miles an hour on a choked highway. I remember when Y gave me a ride, and I was clutching my contact lens case in my hand so tightly that my knuckles whitened and the outside of the vial became sweaty and wet with the fear my hand seeped into it.

Oh G-d, I just want this all to go away, away away away, and for my heart not to stop and for my breath to come normally and for me to get in a car and not think horrible thoughts. I want this shackling feeling to untie itself so I can feel free, and weightless, and lighthearted and happy again, the way I was, over a year ago.

Edit: This is my 36th post in 2008 . . . double chai. That could mean nothing, but for me it's something, and I think it's something good.